On April 4th the Whalers swapped cricket bats for golf clubs and headed out of the big smoke on the M20, through the Euro Tunnel and down the coast, for the much anticipated Le Tussle in Le Touquet. Needless to say before we arrived safely on French soil the boys had been told off twice for car park cricket and Duncs car had been pulled over by customs and the sniffer dogs had sniffed out Gibbo as a ringer early doors. It was also the closest sniff Gibbo got to a bitch all weekend!
On arrival kit was dumped and true to form we found the nearest bar to The Red Fox Hotel (next door) for a bit of much needed French fizzy lager refreshment. As everyone was hungry and time was pressing on we found a restaurant for the first and by no means the last steak frites of the holiday. It also acted as a good venue for the official drawing of the teams.
You could cut the tension with a steak knife as Duncs picked out an all star line up as follows:
Duncan (Tiger) Osborne - Captain of les maroons
Ian (Ringer) Gibbins - U13
Bournemouth Golf Champ
David (Spikboy) Viera - cack Hander of some
promise
Al (Presidente) Dickenson - possibly most improved player over the
weekend
Dave (Saturday night fever) Humphreys - cack Hander brutal with his
irons
Richie (Wooden Spoon) Williams - Welsh!
Adam (John Daley Mullet) Hanmer - Captain of les bleus
Chris (Dark horse)
Sherrat - the surprise package of the weekend
Andrew (Wrong Green 4 hours
sleep) Nelson - Lesson 1- How to nail it into a tree
Paul (Le Manga)
Osbourne - by far the most stylish golfer on the course
Will (Marathon Man)
VDP - as consistent with his irons as Duckfries is keeping his nick name this
season
Andy (I've got the Power) Clipsham - known to his friends as Tippy
Toes
Surely the draw must have
been fixed! The wine glass used to draw the teams was not regulation. Fergy
style mind games were not going to work for Mr Hanmer but drinking more lager
would. The mornings pairings were selected and it was off to a bar for spoofing,
table football, Ads falling off a step knocking into random blokes and spilling
their drinks/starting a fight, wobbly roulette and dancing in the club. The
first night was as heavy as was physically possible and people crawled home
between 01.30 and 04.00.
The day of reckoning had arrived, the sun was thankfully shining and with hung-over heads and the usual shady French breakfast inside us it was off to Les Manoirs Le Touquet to battle it out on Day 1 over 2 lots of 9 holes. Mr Nelson and Mr Sherrat arrived in good time and we stumbled onto the first tee to do battle.
The format was simple Match play Greensome golf:
Both Players drive onto the fairway/hack into the trees (delete where applicable) and the better drive is taken leaving the other player to play the second shot. Alternate shots are then taken till the hole is won. A minimum of 3 of the non-players drives had to be taken in each 9 holes. One point was claimed for winning the game and a half a point for halving the game with 12 points up for grabs over 36 holes and the title claimed with 6 and a half points.
Morning 9 Holes - tee off 10.00
Match 1
Dunc and Al (maroon) vs Will and Oz (blue)
Result 3 and 1to
the maroons - quite a close one until Dunc put it within 4 ft on the 8th for a
birdie 2 and the match.
Match 2
Viera and Gibbo (maroon) vs Ads
and Clippy (blue)
Result 5 and 4 to the maroons - Hanmer and Clipsham could
not tame the firepower of Gibbo driving 200 yards plus consistently.
Match 3
Duckfries and Rich (maroon) vs Nelson and Chris (blue)
Result
5 and 3 to the maroons - the first hole was halved in five, Duckfries and Rich
then went on a charge and won the next five holes, with wonderful long play from
Mr Humphreys and sublime chipping and putting from the Welsh boy (guess who gave
me this report!) The 5th saw Chris hook into the trees, Nelson hit it straight
into the tree, Chris hit a branch, Nelson sliced it back into the trees leaving
the maroons with an easy win to seal their victory.
Overall Result
Maroons 3 up
Ham, Egg and Chips hit the spot for lunch. Three solitary chips was all it took to make the wheels fall off the maroon captain as he was left lying on the floor with a late show from the hangover. There was not much to be said from the blue captain except they needed to show up in the afternoon to stay in the game.
Afternoon 9 Holes - tee off 13.27
Match 1
Duckfries and Gibbo (maroon) vs Ads and Chris (blue)
Result: 2
and 1 to the maroons - a game that the blues had to win and swung in the balance
with holes being traded evenly. A crucial putt to win the hole slipped by for
the maroons on the 7th leaving an uphill battle which was closed out by the
Gibbo the point scoring machine on the 8th.
Match 2
Dunc and Rich (maroon) vs Will and Andy (blue)
Result: 4 and 3
to the maroons - the first two holes were halved with Mr Williams missing puts
to win the hole, next four holes were secured with Duncs coming into form and
Will's steady irons could not stop the rot.
Match 3
Viera and Al(maroon) vs Nelson and Oz (blue)
Result: 1 up to
the maroons - a classic match. Blues go 2 up early on. The 4th is somehow halved
after Viera chips too hard and hits the flag and has 2 good putts. Momentum
swings back to the maroons with Nelson spending 10 minutes on the seventh
coaching Oz and generally faffing over how to avoid a tree. Oz scores a direct
hit on the tree. Al and Dave fall about laughing. All square going down the 8th.
The boys in blue take Oz's drive which is off the wrong green compared to
Nelson's on it. Nelson chips to the sand, maroons win the hole and halve the
last.
Result at the end of Day 1
Maroons 6 points to Les Bleus zero
A post match beer was enjoyed and as the sun was still shining Nelson, Oz, Will and Gibbo decided to go round for another 9 holes. Andy, Al, Richie and Chris brought regular cricket to the golf course and not to let down the locals enjoyed some sparkling French cricket. The two captains decided to team up and take on the two cack handers with the winner choosing a drink of their choice which the losers had to drink and pay for. Dunc at this time of the day was relaxed and on fire and drove the ball 370 yards (I was told not to mention the path running across the fairway) but all in all it was a good low scoring game which was closed out on the 8th by Ads and Dunc after the cack handers had staged a minor come back.
We retire to town and wander down to the beach for a beer. Shit shower and shave is followed by a fairly sombre blue team meeting in the local bar. Ads couldn't quite get his shoe off enough to boot it into Nelson's face but needless to say there was not much to be said other than they had been outclassed by a better team.
The teams reunited and a heated argument ensued to try and make some competition of the rest of the day's golf as the game was all but won. We ended up with binning off the teams and picking likely pairings to make a good game numbering people 1 - 12 on ability and pairing 1 with 12, 2 with 11 etc etc.
Energy was needed so it was off to the restaurant for much needed steak frites and langoustines. By this time of night (around 10) Nelson had told us at least three times how he had got up at 5 and only had 4 hours sleep. Come the first bar one drink was had by all and Oz, Chris and Nelson sloped off to bed safely tucked up to get 8 hours sleep. This was at the same time as the cack handed duo of Duckfries and Viera downed their peach lager and baileys for loosing to Duncs and Ads. It is commendable that Will VDP marathon man was still out till the early hours.
The boys moved onto vodka and cokes and Richie insisted on buying the drinks as there was a cracking pair of tits working the bar. We moved on via a couple of bars and were served by some sort of half man half woman beast. We passed the so called casino and all chipped in 10 Euros to put on red or black on the wobbly roulette table and walk out win or loose. The colour had to be red after the whitewash today, after the ball had wobbled into the black hole ads slapped the chips down and the table erupted when it came in for a bonanza 140 Euro win and we walked calmly out like a bunch of pros.
Dancing Queen Duckfries had done his homework and led us to a great club where him and Hanmer funked it up to the hip hop beats with the locals as the rest of the crew - Gibbo, Rich, Al, Viera, Duncs and Clippie talked bollox for 3 hours. Leaving the club at 4 we could not resist some karaoke in the bar next door and Robbie Williams Millennium was destroyed by Ads, Gibbo and Viera. We all struggled into bed at 5.
We reconvened on the First tee at 11.20 to play Le Foret Course (a full 18 holes)
Games were as follows (seedings in brackets):
Dunc (1) and Andy (12) vs Viera (2) and Chris (11) - After a poor start, the eventual winners found themselves three down and facing a battle. A few Sherrat wonder tee shots later and team V&S had clawed it back to 1 down at the turn. From the 10th hole, they never looked back and, despite a late rallying charge, held on to walk out eventual 2up winners. Comedy moments included Osborne hitting two bad tee shots (yes, it really happened!) and Clipsham playing off his toes - that just can't be comfy! Andy hitting the ball through his own legs - it can be done!
Ads (3) and Al(10) vs Will (4) and Rich (9) - Ads was driving the ball like a man possessed and after loosing the first 2 got in the groove and hit a 7 hole running streak with some great support play and putting from the Big Man. The game was sealed by a massive 7 hole margin after 9 holes. For variety and an attempt to level it teams were swapped and Ads and Richie combined to come out winners 2 and 1 winning one hole after being 3 shots to the ladies tee!
Nelson (6) and Gibbo (7) vs Duckfries (5) and Oz (8) - Under the haze of hangover and overcast conditions Gibbo and Nelson proceeded to blaze around every part of the opening 5 holes except for the fairway and green and soon found themselves 3 down after 3 and then 4 down after 5. Oz and Dave played steady to make the most of the errant opponents. The sun came out, the hangovers waned and Gibbo and Nelson fought back to 1 down after 12 - the highlight a birdie on the 10th after Gibbo holed out from off the green. Then 2 crucial holes the 13th - Gibbo had a 8ft putt to win it but the hole was halved and then Dave and Oz won the next to go 2 up before stretching the lead again on the next to go 3 up with 4 to play. Gibbo and Nelson rallied paring the par 5 16th to reduce arrears to 2 down with 3 to play. Down the 16th - 2 drives by Gibbo and Nelson both found fairway bunkers and despite a good bunker shot from Nelson followed by a 6 iron from 150 yards to within 6 ft of the pin from Gibbo steady play by Oz and Dave secured the whole to see out victory 3&2.
It can be concluded that golf was the winner and a good weekend was had by
all. As the medals were handed out and the final pictures taken Ads was left
dreaming of what could have been if only U had turned up.